When life is crazy and out of control.

I won’t go in to the details of last night except to say that the tension between me, my son and my husband exploded last night.

My son is 24 (25 in December) and has seven months of college left to complete. He’s lived with us all but six months since he graduated from high school. We have paid his daily expenses like car insurance as well as not charging him a penny to live here.

The only things we’ve asked for are a clean room and bathroom, pick up after himself in the common areas of the house and respect for those rules. Sadly, we’ve not gotten any of that.

I will take the lions share of the blame for that. I wanted to avoid drama. My son and I are very much alike so we butt heads. He is also bipolar (and has PTSD) which has come into play in the past. I’ve tip toed around him for far too long out of fear. He has a hair trigger temper and has no qualms about starting a physical altercation with me, my husband or both of us.

So, back to last night… Our world blew up and it ended with my son being told to leave and my husband has forbidden him to come back.

Here is when the PTSD comes in to play. My husband also forbidden my future daughter in law (who was not a part of this and was not even here) from coming to our home. He then started in on me. Long in to the night he hurled insults, told me to get out, told me he didn’t love me, etc. I took an extra anxiety pill and fell asleep sometime near sun up.

Today my husband has acted as if NOTHING happened last night. My son has been at work and school all day and evening. My future daughter in law has been with her mother at the hospital since her mother just had surgery this morning.

And me? I’ve cleared the booze bottles and trash from my son’s room. A leaf bag and a kitchen trash bag full. I have no clue what is clean and what is dirty in there so I am washing everything so that when my son comes back to get his things they will at least all be clean.

I feel like the rope in a game of tug of war between my husband and son. I feel like neither understands that I love them both with all my heart but in different ways so they are NOT in competition with each other.

This is my only child. I am worried about him and his well being and safety. I am angry at his actions last night because they were so NOT okay that I can’t believe it.

Then there is my husband. He egged my son on. I am angry at him for not behaving like an adult, for his actions last night as they relate to my son and I am angry that today he pretends nothing happened.

So why do I stay when this is not the first incident like this? I honestly don’t know… But I will tell you this – I hope that my son living elsewhere ends up being the best thing that could have happened. I hope it empowers my son. I hope it calms my husband.

And I hope that I get to still have both parts of my heart in my life. I need to dig deep and remember the good things about our dysfunctional family, the good things about my son. The good things about my husband. And I need to remember that I can’t control anyone but me.

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