I think my guardian angel drinks…

I saw the title of this post on a friend’s Facebook page. It’s exactly how I feel. My husband is off all of his mental health medication and flew in to a rage tonight.
A little background first… My ex husband beat the snot out of me daily. He broke my nose three times in one year. Physical confrontation *terrifies* me.
So, my husband flew in to a rage tonight and came at me with balled fists. He stopped short of hitting me but shoved me to the floor and got right up in my face while screaming. That vein in his forehead was visibly throbbing and his spittle was hitting my face. And in fear, I lost it. I began sobbing, hyperventilating, stumbling as I tried to get to my feet to run… And then I felt something thud in to my back. I thought it was him. I thought he’d punched me. And I lost control of my bladder. I ran through the house, soaking wet pajama pants slapping at my ankles, terrified.
And I think I may have reached the point of no return. I never want to be in fear like my ex husband caused me. And I felt that fear tonight. I still feel it.
The worst part is that it was over something minute. Something that shouldn’t have even caused a raised eyebrow.
And now he is threatening me financially. I gave up my career in 2008 to be his caregiver. The VA pays me a stipend to make up for those lost wages. But he can remove me at any time. And he says he is doing it in the morning. I will have no money to leave and I will have no money to pay my bills. He will let me go in to collections and ruin my credit from spite.
And yet… This is not who he is. This is him on PTSD. So what do I do? Leave because he has PTSD and it gets out of hand at times? Or do I stay and get a job and hope for the best? I wish I had the answer. I wish that love could cure everything. I wish I’d never met him. I wish he could see how much he is hurting me. Honestly, I wish I had never been born.
I’m sure that from the outside looking in it seems quite dramatic. But from where I am sitting it is totally serious. And I am lost…


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