Insomnia ramblings…

Lately I’ve struggled to sleep. My husband has a lot going on medically and we (read: I) are trying to coordinate care in 4 different cities with 9 different providers and I can’t seem to shut my brain off.
Tonight, my ex husband is on my mind. He was killed in a motorcycle crash at the end of June. I hadn’t run in to him in years. He was my high school sweetheart. His dad and my mum went to high school together. We had a lot of history before we ever hit 20 years old.
We’d both grown up, matured, changed… He was married, a father and a grandfather.
I’ve been thinking of the things I wished I’d said to him the last time we ran in to each other – it was seriously a lifetime ago… 19 years. I wanted him to know I forgave him – when everything went sideways and fell apart – I wanted him to know I’d forgiven myself, too.
I wanted him to know that I was proud of who he’d become and happy he’d found the right person for him.
I wanted him to know that I don’t regret him. Or how things went. I see them for what they are – a lesson. On what not to do and what to expect and accept.
He was a good man taken too soon. I pray for peace for his wife, kids and grandkids. But especially for his folks. His mom adored him – more than her other children. He was special to her and he worshiped her. No parent should outlive their child.
Rest easy, M.

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