Love your children more than you hate your Ex…

Tonight, I sit here worried about my mother. She lives in New England, close to the coast. They are already experiencing storm surge. My mother is a widow, elderly and lives alone. And she cut me out of her life (again) about a year ago.

My folks divorced 29 years ago. My sister and brother chose a side when my mother asked them to. I, a divorcée, did not. I knew all too well that divorces are rarely one person’s fault. My mother was angry – my dad and I did not have a good relationship back then and she wasn’t expecting me to refuse to choose a side. She cut me and my infant son out of her life for the first time that year. She has since cut my sister out of her life, too. My brother is only around when it benefits him but she’s not bothered by that.

Over the years she’s been in and out of our lives so many times that my son no longer cares. She missed his whole first year, his recovery after being in a horrible car v. pedestrian accident/coma, she’s never met his wife… It makes me sad but when he’s done, he’s done. I often wish I could be like that. I love my mother but I don’t like her as a human being. I know, I sound like a hideous human being in my own right, but that’s how I feel.

I miss the woman that I thought she was when I was younger. She was supportive but firm, caring but taught us to be self sufficient. That woman disappeared when my mother got her divorce. She became bitter and hateful even as she got the one thing she’d wanted for over a decade. She began to say and do very hurtful things – and I took them because I love my mother. Maybe that’s who she always was and I just didn’t see it?

But last year was my last straw. She’s become someone who I don’t recognize, not even a little bit. So when she cut me out of her life and spread lies about me (the last time) I decided that I would not let her back in to my life with out ground rules and healthy boundaries. (She has not sought to be back in my life.) I feel good about my decision and I am less stressed out without her in my life.

But tonight I sit and worry about a woman who doesn’t worry about me. Because she hates her ex more than she loves her child.

(Picture taken by my cousin of the storm surge/flooding near my mother’s home.)

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